I’ll be the first to admit that the happy mom feeling can be fleeting. One moment I’m looking at my kids playing together, the next moment I feel like a referee without a whistle. Some days I come home and say bless this mess and by nightfall I blame myself for allowing the mess in the first place.
Being a mom is joyful and natural, but it’s definitely not always easy. I can completely relate to the expression “the straw that broke the camel’s back” where I can happily brave the day’s ups and downs with a smile on my face, but I can also reach a breaking point where I’m not having fun anymore. And…
When mama’s not having fun, ain’t nobody having fun.
… Which is why I find it so important to stay in that “happy mom” mode.
Being generally happy doesn’t mean you don’t put on your stern or serious face (or voice) once in a while. It’s just that having a happy mom in the house makes it easier for your family to brave their own ups and downs with a smile on their face.
And yes, I know that you could read about a thousand other posts with good advice like exercise, eat healthy, and take time to yourself. Blah blah blah, that’s all good and you can do those as well.
However, this is a list of things I do differently to keep my happy mom momentum that you won’t find anywhere else. I’ll be updating it daily – so keep checking in. (I hope to reach 1000!) And if you have your own happy mom secrets, please share a comment!
7 – No more piles.
Lately, I’ve been letting things pile up. You know, the things that haven’t been dealt with. The pile of papers, the pile of books, the pile of toys after Christmas that don’t have a spot on the shelf yet.
If you can’t relate to this problem, I have to admit that I envy you a little, but then I’m sure you can relate to how crazy constant piles could drive you. Little piles that have been cast aside until later – and only remembered at the most inconvenient of times.
And of course, what’s on the outside is on the inside. The mental clutter – the little piles I tell myself I’ll get around to: from the unanswered texts to the unfinished projects. All of these little piles – these little shoulds drag me away from the present moment and keep me from experiencing it fully. So I made a promise to myself – NO MORE PILES! Start with the physical, then the mental, and then see what happens next.
Read more: I Read “Declutter Like a Mother.” Here’s What I Started Doing.
6 – Cut the excuses.
Listen, it’s okay to give yourself some slack once in a while, and not obsess over little things like crumbs left on the table or staying up late to binge watch Euphoria. What’s not okay is letting this “slack” become a habit to the point where you’re making excuses and justifications.
Unfortunately, I fall into this trap more often than I care to admit. For example, I’ll sleep in too many days in a row, prep overly-lazy meals, or let my laundry go unfolded until we’re pulling (clean) clothes out of a pile rather than the drawers. All with an excuse of “I had a rough week.”
The balance of giving yourself a little slack and making excuses can be hard to strike and even harder to recognize. No one else can do it for you. But when I recognize myself in a pattern of self-sabotaging behaviors, I make a quick 180, cut the excuses, and get back to my happy mom status.
Again, no one else can do this for you. I know plenty of moms who are on such overdrive to perfectionism that they’re on their way to burnout. If you’re one of those – please don’t guilt yourself when you take a much-needed break. It’s when your sense of guilt builds up when you know you’re not living to your full potential – that’s the time to cut the excuses.
5 – Give your kids little freedoms.
I’m so enamored with the memories of all the freedoms (and responsibilities) I had as a kid in the nineties but something about granting those same freedoms doesn’t sit right with me. It’s probably because they’re still young, but there’s no denying that something in the world has shifted and most moms I talk to wouldn’t dream of letting their kids do what they themselves were allowed.
Still, there’s no denying that these freedoms foster confidence, responsibility, and decisiveness in your kids. Not to mention, it brings me so much joy to see them “step up” and take matters into their own hands. It helps me learn more about how my kids see themselves and not just fall into familiar patterns that I’ve come to expect.
To find a happy kids – happy mom balance, we strive to give our kids freedom and autonomy in controlled environments. For example, on our weekly forest hikes, we encourage our kids to run ahead on the trail and be the leaders. If they’re outside with their friends, we let them run off and play or climb trees as long as they watch out for each other. When we cross the street, we let our kids give the go-ahead when it’s safe.
These little freedoms have had an incredible impact on my kids’ sense of responsibility, leadership, creativity, and learning. There’s nothing quite like seeing your kids’ growth to know you’re doing just fine as a mom.
4 – Teach your kids what you need them to learn.
Attitude. Considerate. Self-aware. Responsible. Intentional. These are just some of the concepts I really needed my kids to understand last summer.
My kids are in school full-time, but during holidays and days off, they have to do “mommy school” which keeps them devolving into tiny MMA fighters facing off. One of our “mommy school’ activities is learning “the word of the day.” This has two purposes: the first is purely academic – practice spelling, reading, and writing a new word.
The second purpose is for my kids to fully understand and embody the word’s meaning and significance. I give them the definition and ask them to explain it in their own words, then I ask them to give me examples of them using this new word, and examples of doing the opposite.
I have to say, my kids’ examples have been pretty hilarious, like when I asked them to show me what not being aware looks like and they walked straight into a table. Happy mom moments for sure.
Teaching my kids the words and concepts that I needed from them gave us a better toolkit. Instead of telling my kids to be quiet at a restaurant, I remind them that it’s more considerate towards other people. Instead of telling them to make their bed, I remind them that it’s their responsibility. They get it in an instant, because they know what it means!
And, of course, you have to be intentional about which concepts I choose to start with. You can’t fit it all in and expect it to stay there. But if you want to add a secret weapon into your happy mom arsenal, teach your kids the words that help them become better versions of themselves.
3 – Create a tiny “happy mom” oasis.
I’m not one to suggest you should escape from your worries, but I’ve certainly had one of those days. You know when you just need “a moment” to yourself – whether it’s to enjoy a peaceful coffee or to gather your wits before facing the day? (There’s no way I’m the only one!)
In any case, there’s nothing worse than wanting (or needing) to sit down for a moment of “me time” but having nowhere to sit. The kitchen – the breakfast chaos is still going in there. The couch – I’m staring at a dumped pile of Legos. The bedroom – I’ll be too tempted to fall asleep.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not living in an abyss of mess, noise, and clutter… but on one of those days it kind of feels like I do. And as much as I’d love to live in a Pinterest-worthy oasis of calm, that’s not happening anytime soon.
That’s why I created a couple of spots in my home that cannot be breached even by a dumped pile of Legos. And no, I don’t live in a mansion where I get to dedicate a room to myself while my family entertains themselves in the other wing. I just have a few spots that I like to visit for a sense of calm.
My Backyard.
I have a teensy-weensy backyard that barely fits a patio set, but it’s more than enough for me in the summers. I’ve arranged all my indoor plants to create a tiny little rainforest, I have a patio rug for a pop of color, and a couple of flower pots to lift my mood.
I love to step out with my coffee while the kiddos are eating breakfast on the other side of the sliding door.
My Powder Room.
I know. Hiding in the bathroom. The epitome of being a happy mom, right?
Well, it’s not really like that. I love the decor in that tiny room, and it’s always clean. In the busyness of early mornings, I love having my own little bathroom to wrap up my morning routine in peace before facing the day.
My Window.
Do I wish I had a cozy bay window to take my worries away? Yes. Do I have one? No. Am I willing to DIY? Not a chance. But my windowside happens to be my most practical and little happy place.
I just turn my two armchairs toward each other, creating a little chaise that allows me to relax for a few moments of alone time. Oh, and those dumped Legos? No problem, I just look out the window instead.
Having a tiny oasis of calm is not about escaping the real world. It’s more of a little spot where the chaos of the day melts away while you prepare to face it as a happy mom with peace and intention.
2 – Make pizza with your kids.
Actually, the original title was supposed to be Make perogies with your kids.
I have fond memories watching my happy mom, grandmother, aunties, and family friends making perogies and other delicious slavic foods in the kitchen. The perfection of their method was a sight to be seen, all resulting in a mouthwatering smorgasbord that covered the table.
All I was allowed to do was watch from afar and maybe help in some minor way. I didn’t want to be a wrench thrown into a well-oiled precision machine. To be fair, I wasn’t exactly allowed to participate – but I have regrets in not pressing more to “get a seat at the table.” It was a missed opportunity in so many ways.
Now, while I long to recreate those memories of my happy mom making perfect perogies, I embrace the chaos of making an imperfect pizza.
The misshapen crust, the uneven sauce and cheese, the oddly spaced-out anchovies, (yes, that’s what my kids ask for) even the inevitable mess that comes with letting kids around flour are all part of a memory we make together and then dive into at the dinner table.
While making a beautiful meal for my family certainly helps me be a happy mom, I much prefer letting the chips (or the anchovies) fall where they will in the beautiful chaos that comes with letting your kids participate.
And yes, I kind of want to let those littles have a try at making imperfect perogies with me but… not just yet.
1 – Approach decisions from a “what if” perspective.
Have you ever fallen into an “I should” spiral?
“I should wake up early.”
“I should cut down on coffee.”
“I should teach my kids calculus.” Okay, maybe not that one… yet.
The only thing more depressing is a decisive “I will,” that turns into “I did not.” (Like telling myself I will get up without hitting the snooze button, followed by a sleepless night that keeps me in bed way too late the next morning.)
So instead of I should or even I will I opt for WHAT IF.
Taking a “what if” approach has led me to countless good decisions and opportunities without the pressure of letting myself down.
Asking myself “what if I quit sugar for three days?” led me to a sugar-free lifestyle that lasted several years.
Asking “what if I took the kids out of daycare?” led to an adventure-filled summer where I was the fittest I’ve ever been, and I got to teach and learn from my kids.
Asking “what if I took my little kids to Paris?” led to an even better decision of a little “girls trip” with just my daughter where she got to practice her newly-learned French, and we got to indulge in little pleasures, like eating macarons on a train or castle-hopping through Europe, that only us girls could appreciate.
Asking “what if” or “I wonder if I could” opens my mind to new possibilities and lets me explore what I’m actually capable of without immediately shutting down from the overwhelm of it all and helps with that happy mom state of mind. This perspective lets me try things without the fear of letting myself down. It lets me course-correct and even fail without feeling like a failure.
The “what if” question is the ultimate brainstorm starter to power up your potential and creativity.
Whenever I go through a bout of negativity, and I know I should make a change but forcefully resist it, I remind myself to frame it as “what if” and things have a way of turning around.
